ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
