No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
