what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
