im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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