please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
