she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
