my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
