I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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