I'm pants shitting drunk right now
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
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I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
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This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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