We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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