I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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