Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
