I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
