my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
