Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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