Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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