New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
