Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
