I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
