Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
