omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
