And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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