I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
