My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
