Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
