____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
