drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
