If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You took a bar mat shot.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
