if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
