he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
