Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
