we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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