so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
