my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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