fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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