Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
