Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
