I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
