Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
it glows. i had to have it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
