I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
