And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
