just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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