just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
is wine microwaveable?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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