three words: i give head
three words: not that well
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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