did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
