My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize