btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
