R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
