He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
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Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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