Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
