My hand turned me down
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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