i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
