ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
