I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
