she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
