it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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