the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
only you would photoshop your dick
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I believe in your delicious
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
